


A Million Ways to die on the Orville

by DieAstra



Category: A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014), The Orville (TV)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Crossover, Drama, Humor, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2020-12-27 18:37:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21123416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DieAstra/pseuds/DieAstra
Summary: Albert on the "Orville" and Ed in the Wild West. What could go wrong?A crossover between "The Orville" and "A Million Ways to die in the West".





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Leona_Esperanza](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leona_Esperanza/gifts).

> Many thanks to meridian_rose who did the beta and also came up with some excellent plot ideas that sent my muse into overdrive. I couldn't have done this without you so any feedback is as much yours than it is mine!
> 
> Over the past few days I have worked hard on this story, I hope you all will enjoy the idea and possibilities it gives for stuff to happen as much as I do. I had great fun exploring both worlds.

Albert avoided going into town if possible. The people there were crazy and it usually ended up with someone dying. He would rather stay out here, on his farm. Anna had gone into town to get some groceries so he was all alone with himself, the sheep, the blue sky and the fragrant grass. He never would be truly happy in the Wild West but this was as close to happiness as he could get.

He was deep in thought, chewing on a grass stalk when some strangers rode by. They didn’t stop but greeted him with “Hey, sheriff!”

Before Albert could react they already were gone. Dumbfounded he looked after them. They must have mistaken him for someone else. Sheriff was the last thing he wanted to be. It was a job where you most definitely didn’t live for long. After their last sheriff got killed nobody had wanted the job anymore.

Then Bridget tried to run off again and Albert had more important things to think about.

“Hey, Bridget! Over here!”

*****

Albert already had forgotten about the incident when Anna came back in the afternoon. He helped her down from the horse but something was odd. She didn’t respond as enthusiastically as usual to his welcome kiss. He decided to take the bull by the horns.

“What’s up? Did something happen in town?”

“You’re asking me? What’s up with you? Why didn’t you just tell me you wanted to come along? And don’t deny it, I saw you. I even waved at you and called your name! You looked straight at me and then pretended to not see me.”

She sounded genuinely hurt. Albert’s heart broke. He never would do anything to hurt her.

“Anna, believe me, I have been here all day long. Swear to God! You can ask Bridget if you like.”

That made her laugh. Much better. Then he remembered the odd encounter early today. He told Anna about it.

“So you’re saying there is a man who looks like you but with a sheriff star on his chest?”

“It’s the only explanation.” 

Albert already was saddling his horse. He had to get to the bottom of this.

“I’ll ride into town, see if I can find him. That guy has some questions to answer.”

This time their kiss was much more affectionate. Albert always lost himself in Anna’s embraces. Mmmmh.

“Be careful,” she whispered into his ear, then she went into the house to put the groceries away.

*****

When Albert arrived half an hour later the town seemed quieter than usual. Nobody was to be seen on the street. There were lots of horses in front of the saloon though so he decided to try his luck there first.

He had learnt his lesson to not just walk into whatever situation there might be so he carefully peeked around the door first. Two mean looking guys were pointing guns at each other, and a third, who had his back towards Albert, was standing in the middle. Apparently it was him who was speaking.

“Now everyone just calm down. Nobody is going to die here today, okay? So why don’t you put your weapons away, shake hands and share a drink instead?”

He must be absolutely crazy, Albert thought. Any second now both guys would open up fire at this weird sheriff.

You could have heard a pin drop in the saloon. Deadly silence. Then one of the men shrugged, smiled apologetically and put his gun back into the holster.

“Sorry Tony, I didn’t really mean it. That is a fine mare you have there”.

“You as well,” said the man whose name obviously was Tony while holstering his own weapon.

“See? That’s much better than shooting, isn’t it?” 

But they didn’t listen anymore, instead making their way over to the bar to get a drink to celebrate their new friendship. The noise slowly went back to normal saloon level and the strange man finally turned around. This was the moment Albert had been waiting for.

He gasped. He was still standing outside, unable to move his feet. 

It was like looking into a mirror. Same eyes, same nose, same hair. His shirt was a bit of a darker blue than the one Albert wore but the vest and hat also were a close match. No wonder Anna had mistaken him for her husband.

For a few seconds that stretched to eternity both of them just stared at each other in silence. Then Albert opened his mouth but before he could say anything the stranger said something very weird.

“End simulation.”

In the next moment he was gone. Gone were as well the saloon and all its occupants. Gone were the horses, the street, the whole town. 

Suddenly Albert was all alone in a big white empty room.

*****


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A crossover between "The Orville" and "A Million Ways to die in the West". What could go wrong?
> 
> Chapter 2: Ed is lost
> 
> This story is finished and will be regularly updated. 12 chapters altogether.

*****

Ed was very pleased with how he had defused the situation. This sheriff thing was not as hard as everyone made it to be. He turned to leave the saloon but found the entrance blocked. A man that could have been Ed’s twin was staring at him open mouthed. What the heck had Gordon done to the program this time? Ed decided he’d rather not find out. He was done here anyway, and soon it would be time for his weekly game session with Gordon.

“End simulation.”

Nothing happened, except that the man suddenly vanished. Ed tried again.

“Computer, end simulation!”

But he was still here and the people in the saloon started to stare at him. This could be a problem. To not draw further attention to himself, Ed went over to the bar to get a drink. The two fighters already were on their third round and now invited Ed to another. Then the barkeeper gave him one, thanking him that this would stay a quiet evening and then even more drinks kept appearing before Ed from various men who were just glad to have a sheriff back in town.

It would have been rude to not accept them so Ed drank them all. At least he didn’t have to think about the damn computer anymore.

*****

Some hours later he was properly drunk, barely able to stay on his stool. Somehow along the way he had also managed to lose his sheriff star. The saloon had gone empty and quiet when suddenly the door burst open and a gorgeous blond woman appeared. Ed stared at her as she came right towards him. He wondered whether it was her or him that wobbled.

“Albert! Here you are! I have been waiting for you for hours. What happened?”

Ed mumbled something incoherently. The woman took that as a sign to act. 

“Come home, I think you have had enough.”

Without preamble she grabbed him under the arm, and he somehow managed to stumble along. Outside she helped him up his horse, although it looked a bit different than before. Hadn’t it been black? Now it looked more chestnut. Maybe the street lamp was playing a trick on him. It wasn’t the best light out here. 

He was rather lying than sitting on it but at least he didn’t fall off. Slowly they made their way towards wherever “home” was.

*****

When Ed awoke he was lying in a nice bed with linen sheets and the sun was peeking through the window. He screwed his eyes shut as it was blinding him and sparked a huge headache. Slowly he shuffled out of bed to close the curtains – and found himself nose to nose with a curious sheep that was looking through the window.

Ed shook his head; maybe he was still dreaming, and went back to bed. He just had gotten comfortable again when the door opened and the woman from yesterday evening appeared. She greeted him with a beautiful smile and had brought him a fresh shirt. Then she left him alone and he cleaned up a bit with water from a bowl. Not the same as taking a hot shower on the _Orville_ but it would have to do.

When the woman, whose name Ed still didn’t know, came back Ed was sitting there, still only half dressed, staring at the straight razor. He didn’t dare to put that anywhere near his throat in his foggy state. He much preferred his laser razor on the _Orville_.

“Let me,” she said softly and took the razor from his hands. Willingly he leaned back and exposed his throat to her. He didn’t know why but he trusted her. With his life.

They didn’t speak, instead just enjoying this quiet moment. Ed watched her mixing up the foam and then generously putting it all over his lower face. Then she set to work. It was so quiet that you actually could hear the scratching noise the blade made where it moved over his stubble. This and her calming presence were very soothing and Ed almost dozed off again.

If he hadn’t still got the headache along with some slight nausea it would have been perfect.

Finally she was done, washed all the soap away and briefly put a hot towel on his face. After she removed it she kissed him straight on the lips. At first he responded automatically but once his brain had caught up with what was happening he jerked away. What the…?

“Okay, who the hell are you?”

They said it both at the same time.

*****


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Albert explores a strange new world, and Ed has a revelation.

For a moment Albert didn’t dare to move. He had no idea where he was or what just happened. The room hummed slightly but otherwise there was no noise. There weren’t any windows either. Slowly turning around he at least spotted some kind of door, although it didn’t seem to have any doorhandle. He walked over to it anyway.

When he was standing close to it suddenly the door hissed and opened. Shocked he jumped a step back and the door closed. He dared to venture forward again and it re-opened. Fascinating!

Albert stuck his head through the opening, looking left and right, but he couldn’t see anything aside from more doors. Carefully he started to walk. Out here there were windows, but outside it was just black with spots of white flashing by. He had no idea what that meant. The whole place looked nice and clean, a huge difference to the dirty dusty ground in his hometown. As much as you tried to keep your home clean, somehow the dust always would sneak in.

He was still looking out of the window, trying to decide what to do next, when the door at the far end of the corridor opened and a man stepped through. He was on his way to round a corner but when he saw Albert he came towards him instead.

“Ed? What are you doing out here? Have you forgotten about game night?”

“Gordon?” Albert was puzzled. Albeit wearing weird clothes, this man looked exactly like Cowboy Gordon. Except that Gordon had died a gruesome death three years ago. Albert was certain of that. The pastor had made sure to tell the congregation about the sin he had committed. Had Albert died and gone to Heaven? That would explain the whiteness all around.

The man, whose orange tunic matched his orange beard, turned and dragged Albert along with him.

“I got this new game, Krill fighter VI, you’ll love it!”

After a while they reached their destination. Gordon stopped in front of a door and looked expectantly at Albert. Albert looked back. He had no idea what he was supposed to do.

Gordon rolled his eyes. 

“It’s your quarters. Open the door, please?”

Albert had had enough of getting pushed around. 

“I have no idea how to open the damn door, I just came out of the Wild West!”

He thought his outburst would shock Gordon more. Instead he simply looked Albert up and down and raised his eyebrows.

“I can see that. And by the way, what were you doing in there alone? I thought we would do the next level together. Great friend you are! Wonder what John will say to that!”

Then he turned and pushed some buttons on a panel next to the door. It opened with the now already familiar hiss.

Inside it looked like someone’s living room. No, his living room apparently. There was a nice soft looking sofa on which Gordon now flopped down. Albert didn’t dare to do the same. He suddenly was very aware of his dirty clothes.

“Mind if I get cleaned up a bit first?”

Gordon just shrugged and busied himself with putting together some equipment. Albert fled upstairs. He figured that’s where the bedroom would be and he was right. And behind another door he found something that truly must come from Heaven.

There was a basin clearly intended for washing but it did not have any water in it. When Albert was looking for a jug to pour into it, suddenly a stream appeared out of a small pipe. It stopped after a while and Albert tried to recreate what he had done to start it. Apparently all he needed to do was wave his hands in thin air. He felt like a magician. 

If his friends at home knew about this! No need to pump it or lower a bucket down into a well. The people here had no idea how lucky they were.

Albert took his shirt off, washed himself and then found simple black pants and a matching shirt to wear. He looked into the mirror. He almost looked like Gordon now.

After taking a last deep breath he went down again.

Gordon gave him a weird little box with several buttons and started to explain what they did.

“This button controls the legs. This one the arms. With this lever here you move forwards and backwards. And here we are!”

He pushed a button and suddenly two mean looking warriors with weird faces were standing inside the room. Albert gasped, frozen in shock. He didn’t understand how the other man could stay so calm. Instinct told Albert to flee, to bring as much distance between him and these men. But the way to the door was blocked by them so he had to stay where he was. Accidentally he pressed a button on his own device and suddenly the left guy lifted an arm.

Gordon shouted, “Start playing Ed, what are you waiting for?”

Albert finally realized that he was able to control the figurine, like a puppet player. Just without strings. And that he was supposed to fight the other guy.

He did his best to keep up with Gordon but of course his best was not enough. Strangely even that didn’t seem to give the guy a clue that Albert wasn’t who he thought to be. That Ed must be a clumsy player too, it was the only explanation.

An hour later, after winning all ten rounds, Gordon finally had enough and left. Albert was glad to be alone. He needed time to think. Slowly he walked through the apartment, looking at everything, trying to familiarize himself with things.

He drank a bit of water from the wall fountain but couldn’t find anything to eat so eventually he went to bed hungry. 

With his final thought being of his wife Albert fell asleep.

*****

“I’m Anna and I want to know where my husband is!”

Ed had jumped off the chair but then stilled when the lady grabbed the blade again and held it dangerously close. Slowly he put up his hands, trying to look as unthreatening as possible.

“Hus… husband?”

“Yes, my husband, Albert. Where is he?”

Albert. That must be the guy that looked like Ed. 

“Albert… is not here,” he said while his mind was racing. Damn headache. He couldn’t think clearly.

“I can see that. But where is he?” 

She was losing patience. But how could Ed explain something that he didn’t understand himself? He had no idea what had gone wrong and how he ever would be able to go home again.

He took a deep breath. He’d found the truth was always the best approach, even if it could get him into trouble.

“This may sound odd to you but… I am a time traveler from the future.” 

This sounded like the least weird explanation. He couldn’t possibly tell her that she only lived in a computer simulation and that all her life was fake. It would destroy her.

She didn’t even blink. She seemed to think instead and lowered the blade.

“Like that weird man and his carriage in the barn that Albert told me about?”

For a moment Ed had no idea what she was referring to. Weird man and his car- Then it dawned on him. One of those old movies from the 1980s. Ed wouldn’t put it past Gordon to have included Doc Brown when he programmed the simulation. He loved Easter eggs like that.

“Yes!” he said enthusiastically. “Exactly like him!”

“You still haven’t told me where Albert is. And why you look exactly like him!”

“I can’t answer those questions as I honestly don’t know. I have come here to study your world and learn about how life was back then. I mean now. I mean… you know what I mean! When I wanted to return home the way back was closed. Now I’m stuck here. This is all a huge misunderstanding.”

Suddenly Ed remembered how Albert had vanished. Could he… was it possible? 

He audibly gasped and his knees suddenly gave way. He stumbled and Anna quickly helped him sit down again. She looked worried.

Ed looked her openly into the eyes.

“I think I know where Albert is.”

*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to learn about Cowboy Gordon's fate, go read the story "Emtyin' the saloon" by Meridian_Rose:
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/18767398
> 
> And while you're at it, read "In Need of a Rescue" as well: 
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/18868915


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ed finds out about the downsides of living in the Wild West

Ed’s explanation that he and Albert apparently had swapped places and Albert had somewhat traveled to the future instead of Ed seemed to satisfy Anna for the moment. She wanted to talk more about it, how to get him back, but Ed felt there was a more pressuring matter right now.

All the drinks from yesterday evening wanted to get out. And then some. Ed winced.

“Anna? Could you please show me where your facilities are?”

“My _what?_”

Ed tried to think of a term she would understand.

“Toilet? Lavatory? Privy? Um… outhouse?”

“Oh! Oh. Yes, it’s out the back, over the meadow. Beware of scorpions and snakes!” she yelled after him.

Was she winding him up? Surely it couldn’t be that bad. Ed reached the little wooden hut and opened the door with the crescent moon carved into it. 

It _was_ bad. Ed recoiled from the overwhelming smell. He couldn’t see any scorpions or snakes but hundreds of flies. But there was no way around it so Ed did what he had come here to do while breathing only shallowly through his mouth. He tried not to think too much about what was down the hole.

Gosh, the Wild West sucked. Somehow they never showed this part of life in the Western movies he liked to watch.

When he came back he thoroughly washed his hands. He emptied the whole jug. Anna showed him where he could use the pump to fill it again.

“Next time you go out there, also sprinkle a bit of lime from the bag in the corner into the hole. It helps keep down the smell.”

“I will.”

Ed hoped it wouldn’t be anytime soon. Brrr.

“You wouldn’t know what to do about a headache?”

Anna brought him two large pickles.

“Eat those, it will make you feel better.”

Surprisingly, they really did. They reduced his headache to a slight throbbing. It was bearable.

*****

They had talked all morning but come to no conclusion. There was not much Ed could do from here. He only could hope that he was missed and help was coming soon.

Anna had also shown him around the farm. The sheep were grazing unfazed. Ed had asked whether there was any work he was supposed to do but apparently they did not need any shearing or trimming of the hooves. Albert kept them in good state.

Anna sensed that he was restless so she found work for him to do. She made him chop wood. Ed got the feeling she also was testing him a little, but he was glad about the distraction.

Turned out he had a particular talent for chopping wood. Who would have thought? He only stopped after he had piled a huge stack. This should keep the fireplace going for a while.

He even helped with some kitchen stuff. Ed didn’t really know how to cook but made himself useful by thoroughly stirring the pot while Anna did all the chopping and cutting.

Evening came and Ed realized that they had forgotten to talk about one very important detail. Confused he stood in front of the bed he had awoken in this morning. Then he turned.

“Anna… where did you sleep last night?”

She must have seen him blush because she laughed. 

“In there, with you, of course. Don’t worry, nothing happened. You were way too drunk. It’s my fault anyway. I should’ve made sure to bring the right guy home.”

She said it lightly but Ed felt the sentiment behind it. She was missing her Albert.

“Also, you snore.”

Ed huffed. Why did all women complain about his snoring? It was getting old. He would have to ask Kelly about it next time he had the opportunity.

He must have said it out loud because Anna stopped teasing him and asked, “Who is Kelly?”

“Kelly is my…” Yeah, what? Ed settled for the truth.

“Kelly is my ex-wife. We work together. If anyone can get us out of this mess, she can. She’s really clever.”

“Will she find out that Albert is not you the same way I found out?”

Ed couldn’t quite follow.

“How _did_ you find out?”

“Do you really think I don’t know the way my husband kisses?”

Oh. Oh, that. Ed already had forgotten about it.

“I can assure you there will be no kissing involved. But she will figure it out. Trust me.”

“Well, you figure out how to make yourself comfortable with this straw sack because tonight I’d rather have the bed for myself.”

Compliantly Ed did as he had been told. It was only for one night, he told himself. Tomorrow he would go home. As a young man he had slept in much worse during training missions. Anna had also given him a blanket to cover himself and so he lay down in a corner of the room.

Some days later when rescue still hadn’t come, Ed had had enough. He was getting too old to keep sleeping on the ground. He found some boards and planks and got to work with hammer and saw. It took him all day long but at the end he had built a bed. It looked a little crude and crooked but he had made it all by himself with his very own hands and he felt very proud and accomplished. That night Ed slept like a baby in his new bed.

*****


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Albert finally gets some answers and Ed learns to shoot

Albert woke early. At least he thought it was early. Outside was the same darkness like the night before. Did the sun never rise here? But he felt refreshed so he might just as well get out of bed.

This time he found a button in the water well room that he hadn’t seen before. When he pushed it, it rained from the ceiling. Then the water swirled and vanished into a hole in the ground. Albert was amazed and quickly took off all his clothes to get under the stream. He got himself thoroughly cleaned. It was pure bliss. 

And the water was warm! Much better than cold pump water.

And then the water closet! Albert had heard about posh hotels in the big cities having those but never seen one with his own eyes. He couldn’t gush enough about it. So nice and clean. Here you didn’t have to be afraid of scorpions or snakes attacking you when you did your business. If Anna had been here as well, he never would have wanted to leave again. Ever.

He dressed in the clothes he found in the closet. His uniform jackets were blue instead of orange. And they had four bars on the shoulder instead of just the two that Gordon had. Albert wondered what that meant.

When he couldn’t find anything else to busy himself with he sat down on the sofa to think.

He wondered how long he would be able to keep up this charade. One part of him wanted to come clean and tell them right away that he was an imposter but the other part feared they would not believe his story and put him into an asylum for the crazy people and then he would never see Anna again.

He had no idea what to do. And nobody to talk to. Albert didn’t really believe in God. He and Anna went to church every Sunday as it was expected and you were an outcast if you didn’t go. But he never truly believed the things the pastor said. If there really was an almighty God surely life would be much better than it was.

But here, out of his comfort zone, he figured a little prayer couldn’t hurt.

“Hi, um, God, I don’t know if you can hear me. I know I haven’t put much faith into you before and I’m sorry for that but I really could use a little help here.”

Suddenly he heard a slightly monotone female voice.

_“What do you require help with? Please specify.”_

Wow. Albert hadn’t thought that it would actually work, and so quickly! He also hadn’t thought that God would be female, but beggars couldn’t be choosers.

Then he spotted a blinking picture right in front of him at the small table. He could kinda look through it, much like the game guys from yesterday evening that hadn’t been real. That’s what was talking to him. Albert had almost got used to this weird world. He cleared his throat.

“Um…” Gosh, where he should start? Too many questions tumbled around his head at once.

“Where am I? What is this place?”

_“You are on board the USS Orville. It is a mid-level Exploratory-class vessel in Planetary Union service.”_

Vessel? As in ship?

“Who am I?”

_“You are Captain Ed Mercer.”_

Captain. He was the captain of this damn thing. That made life so much easier. Not.

“What is this ship doing?”

_“Exploring and charting the outer reaches of the Union's home quadrant of the galaxy.”_

The voice could have just as well talked in Chinese, it would have made as much sense to Albert. He hadn’t understood a word.

He was about to ask another question – maybe something simpler, like where a guy could get something to eat around here – when a chime startled him. It seemed to come from the door.

It chimed again and then he heard Gordon’s voice through the door.

“Ed, are you awake? Can I come in?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure, come in!”

The door opened and Gordon looked at him expectantly.

“Ready for some breakfast?”

“More than ready!” 

And wasn’t that the truth. Albert decided to play along a little longer. Better to face whatever was to come later with a full belly.

Gordon led them to a mess hall. It was full of people dressed in different colors. Everyone was smiling and greeting them. This Ed guy must be liked very much. Albert wasn’t used to this kind of attention and had no idea how to respond but they didn’t seem to expect any answer.

He stayed close to Gordon who went straight to a hole in the wall. Albert recognized it, because the kitchen area in his place had a similar hole. Was that where the food came from? Sure enough, Gordon pressed a button and said, “One coffee, one breakfast!”

Out of thin air appeared a mug of coffee and a plate with food. Gordon called that breakfast? It was an undefined mixture of colorful things. Albert decided to do better.

“One coffee, one plate with scrambled eggs, baked beans, fried potatoes, sausages and pickles.”

Gordon stared at him when he nonchalantly took his meal.

“Hungry much?”

Albert was hungry indeed. He wolfed everything down in half the time it took Gordon to eat his breakfast. But that was because he was talking all the time, telling one funny tale after the other. All Albert had to do was nod and hum at the appropriate places. And laugh. That too. Gordon was a funny man and seemed to be a great guy, even if a bit oblivious.

Albert actually enjoyed himself and started to relax a bit. Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as he originally had thought.

Then a deep rumbling voice could be heard.

“Captain Mercer, report to the bridge.”

*****

The next morning Ed was repairing a fence. Like everything he did he was giving it his full attention. He was completely immersed in his work when suddenly a shot rang out. Ed flinched and ducked instinctively even though it would have been way too late by the time he heard the noise.

Carefully he turned around just in time to see Anna put a rifle down. What the…

Then he saw the rattle snake only two feet away from him. Anna had killed it before it could attack him. Clean shot through the head. Ed was shaken to the core. That could have ended really badly. Anna came slowly over to him while he still didn’t dare to move.

“When in the Wild West, you always need to pay attention to your surroundings. You never know what might attack you. You have to be alert constantly. Even going to the outhouse. Especially going to the outhouse.”

Ed nodded. It was a lesson he would not forget anytime soon. He didn’t know if he could die for real while being in the simulation but he would rather not find out if it could be avoided.

Belatedly he realized that he had hurt his left hand when he had been flinching. It had caught on a rusty nail. Anna spotted it at the same time.

“Oh no! We have to clean it before it becomes infected. Come into the house!”

“Don’t worry, I’ve had my tetanus shots. It will be fine.”

Although Ed wasn’t so sure whether they actually worked in here.

“You did have what?”

Right, the vaccination hadn’t been invented yet in this time. That you could die from such a simple thing scared Ed even more than the rattle snake. He had no idea how Albert did it, being constantly surrounded by dangers. He got a lot more respect for the other man. To live here day in, day out must be straining on the nerves.

In the house Anna dosed the wound thoroughly with alcohol. It stung. A lot.

“Ow! That hurts! Is that really necessary?”

She looked at him sternly.

“Don’t be such a baby!”

Then she cocked her head.

“How good are you actually with a weapon?”

Ed wanted to say ‘very good’ but instead he said, “I… I don’t know to be honest.”

“Well, then let’s find out!”

She took him to a place in the desert where they would definitely be alone and set up some empty bottles. Then she put a revolver into his hand. Ed took his time to get familiar with the weapon. It felt different than his PM-44. When he fired it for the first time he was surprised by the recoil. That was something the plasma guns from the future didn’t have.

The noise of the shot also rang in his ears. Anna showed him how to pull back the hammer to load the next round. After six rounds he had to empty out the spent bullets and load new ones. She made him repeat those moves countless times until he felt he could do it in his sleep.

Then she taught him how to aim at the bottles by using the notch and bead sights. It took a while but finally Ed had figured it out and shot down six out of six bottles.

“Not bad!” Anna praised him. Then she showed him how it really was done. She put up 12 bottles in a row and shot at them with both hands simultaneously. All twelve fell. Grinning she turned around while twirling the guns around her fingers and Ed applauded.

“That was amazing! I don’t think I can learn that.”

Anna’s face fell. She quickly turned away from Ed. Had he said something wrong? He had no idea. Slowly he walked towards her and called softly her name from behind.

“Anna? What’s up?”

When she finally turned around he could see tears in her eyes.

“It’s just… you remind me so much of him!”

And then they sat down on a stone and she told him the whole story, how she had taught Albert how to shoot and how in the end he had defeated Clinch Leatherwood. And how somewhere along the way they had fallen in love with each other.

“Come here,” Ed said and put an arm around her shoulder. She leaned her head on him. They sat like that in silence for a long time.

*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The mission of the Orville is taken word by word from the Orville Wiki. I couldn't have said it better.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ed settles another brawl at the saloon and Albert finally comes clean

One morning Ed happened to be in town for some errands when a man came running up to him.

“Sheriff, sheriff, you’re needed in the saloon!”

Ed went with him. And sure enough, there was a huge brawl going on. What was he supposed to do about it? He tried it with shouting but nobody could hear him in this clamor.

Finally he took out his gun and fired into the ceiling. Everyone stopped and looked at him. Much better. 

“Okay, so who started the fight?”

They all shuffled their feet and looked at each other but nobody said anything.

Ed looked around and picked out a man with a wild beard.

“You! Why are you fighting?”

“I was attacked by Johnny.”

“Who is Johnny?”

A man with black hat and black clothes raised his hand.

“Was it you that started the fight, Johnny?” Ed asked.

“No, I was attacked by Billy!”

Ed tried to not lose patience. He went on.

“Billy? Where’s Billy? Ah, there. Did you start the fight?”

“I was attacked by Jimmy!”

Was Ed here in kindergarten or what? But before he could go on, Jimmy blurted out, “Because he was cheating! He won all the poker games!” and tried to have another go at Billy.

“Whoa, whoa, stop!”

Ed went over to the poker table. There was a lot of money in a pile in front of Billy.

“Okay, Billy, I want you to take off your jacket. Show everyone here that you don’t have any extra aces up your sleeve. Will you?”

Willingly Billy took off his jacket. Obviously he had nothing to hide.

“And you, Jimmy, you take all the cards on the table and put them into four neat rows. Each suit by itself, from 2 till ace. Can you do that?”

All the other occupants came closer and piled up around the table while Jimmy worked. Everyone was curious to see the outcome. Finally he had finished. No extra aces were to be found.

“As you can see, Billy has won every game fair and square. Next time you think twice before you accuse someone of playing wrong. And now apologize.”

“Sorry, Billy,” the man mumbled and everyone was congratulating Ed how he had handled the situation with a clear head. There were a few surprised looks and whispering but Ed put it down to his… methods being differently from what the people here were used to.

And so Ed became the new sheriff of Old Stump. Just as well, it would give him something meaningful to do while he was here.

*****

When Ed wanted to leave the saloon he saw a man staring at him open mouthed. The man dragged him into a corner.

“Who are you and what have you done with Albert?”

“What do you mean?” Playing stupid was something Ed was good at. But it wasn’t so easy to lose the man.

“Albert never would have done what you just did. Never. I know him! So who are you!”

Ed looked at him quizzically. He saw an earnest open face. This man was not out to get him, he really was concerned about what had happened to Albert.

There was no way to keep up his role with this guy. He lowered his voice. 

“It’s a long story. Hi, I’m Ed.”

“Edward.”

“No, no, just Ed!”

“No, I mean, my name is Edward. I’m Albert’s best friend. His only friend.”

“Oh!”

And then Ed told him everything he knew. He wasn’t sure whether Edward really understood. How could he understand something that Ed himself didn’t?

*****

It was a long walk from the mess hall to the bridge. Albert would never have found it by himself but Gordon had said he needed to go there as well. Albert planned to lay his cards on the table once they reached their destination. All the way he thought about what he wanted to say.

But once they stepped onto the bridge he had forgotten every single word. The look was overwhelming. Everywhere were blinking lights and the front window showed so many moving bits that it made him motion sick.

Gordon went straight to a seat right at the front and sat down. That left only one chair in the room empty, right in the center of the room. Albert was so confused that he automatically sat in it, careful not to touch anything he shouldn’t. There was a woman sitting at his left side who nodded shortly in greeting then said, “Bortus, status!”

“A Krill ship is on intercepting course to the Orville.”

“Isaac?”

“It will reach us in two minutes thirty point three seconds.”

Albert noticed the woman looking questioningly at him but he was literally frozen.

“Okay, Gordon, change course and get us out of here as fast as you can. Don’t you agree, Ed?”

Albert finally found his voice again.

“Yeah, yeah, do that.”

“Changing course – now.”

The woman got up from her chair.

“Ed, can I talk to you for a second?”

She walked ahead and he had no chance than to follow her. They did not walk far, just around the corner to an office. The woman opened and closed the door then turned sharply.

“Ed, what is up with you this morning?”

“I’m not Ed.”

“What?”

“I’m not Ed!” he said a little louder. And then it all spilled out of him. How he was a sheep farmer in the Wild West. How this stranger had turned up wearing his face. How somewhat he had ended up here, wherever here was, and how he had no idea how to get home but desperately wanted to go home. Especially that. He said it three times.

“Wow.”

“Yeah, wow.”

“Okay, let’s sit down. First things first, I’m Kelly. Nice to meet you, Albert. That was all a little much for me. Please tell me again about the moment everything vanished.”

Albert did. He saw recognition dawn in the eyes of the woman. No, Kelly. 

“Do you know what happened there?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I think I do.”

“Oh, thank God!”

Albert was relieved. They would not think he was crazy. There was an absolutely fine explanation for all of this.

“So can I go home now?”

“I’m afraid that won’t be possible right now. You’ll have to visit our ship’s doctor first, see if she finds anything. But I promise we will get you home as soon as possible.”

Albert’s shoulders fell. A doctor. He did not really trust doctors. At all. He needed a distraction.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure!”

“What are those white flashy things outside the windows?”

“Those? Oh, those are stars. We are flying through space.”

“Really? Like, actually flying? Awesome.”

It really was. Albert was not much of a reader but last year a guy at the fair had sold him the book by author Jules Verne “From the Earth to the Moon”, where some passengers were shot to the moon in a huge cannon. But Albert had thought it was way too fantastic, this never could happen in real life. And yet here he was among the stars. It was unbelievable.

“Do you have any further questions?”

“Yeah. Can I put my own clothes back on? They need a wash though.”

Kelly smiled.

“You shall get them. I’ll see personally to it.”

*****

Albert felt much more comfortable being back in his own clothes. They had been washed and cleaned. He preferred them over the stiff uniform. They provided a bit of home for him. And now everyone who met him could clearly see that he was not Captain Mercer.

He also had been moved to a different room which was fine with him. Before that he felt like he was intruding in someone else’s home. Now he could make this his temporary home.

As much as he had dreaded the meeting with the ship’s doctor it had turned out that she was a very warm person and he immediately trusted her once she had confirmed that there indeed were no birds to be found in her sick bay. 

Every evening Gordon would come over to spend some time with him. He felt awful for not realizing earlier that Albert wasn’t Ed and wanted to make up for it. He always brought movies they watched together. Movies were photographs that moved and had sound. And they were in color not just black and white. It amazed Albert. It all looked so real!

So Albert settled in as best as he could. All the people were very nice to him and he could tell they were working hard to get him home again. Although they probably were doing so to get their Ed back. Either way, there was a lot of activity going on behind closed doors. He wasn’t invited to those meetings and he wouldn’t have been able to provide much insight anyway.

In the beginning they had grilled him about everything he knew but it hadn’t been much. Albert was sorry he was not able to help better with his rescue.

He learnt that the room he had ended up in was called a simulator and that it could be any world you wanted. If you wanted to visit old Roman times, you could do that. If you wanted to peek into the future instead, you could do that as well. It was a powerful technology and scared Albert to bits.

So the first logical solution was to simply tell the room to be Albert’s hometown “Old Stump”. Albert was very excited that it would be so easy but his excitement soon turned into horror. Apparently the room didn’t do what Gordon wanted it to do, as many buttons as he frantically pressed. There was much cursing and cussing but it didn’t change anything. The room stayed empty.

Albert’s shoulders slumped. Looked like he was to stay here a little longer.

The man named Isaac truly terrified him. He was so cold and emotionless. He suggested they turn everything off and start anew but John intervened.

“If we reset then we could lose Ed. He’ll be stuck forever in the program. I’m strongly against it.”

Kelly agreed and so they left without having accomplished anything.

*****

Some days later Albert’s door chimed.

“Come in!”

It was Kelly. She rarely visited him as in Captain Mercer’s absence she was responsible for the whole ship and he understood that she had far more important things to do than chat with him. So he was surprised to see her.

“How do you feel about going on a mission?”

Albert was cautious.

“What exactly is… a mission?” 

Albert thought the missioners would find it odd if he climbed on top of their buildings.

Kelly tried to put it for him into as simple terms as possible.

“We want to meet with people to become friends with them. So we can help each other. Before Ed vanished he already had talked via um… telephone with the leader of this place. It actually looks very similar to your home. That’s why Ed was visiting your town, to prepare himself for the talks. To learn about your ways.”

“Our ways?”

“Well, you know. Rural life. Simple life. Sheep farming. The leader is a sheep farmer himself. And he insists he’ll only talk to Ed and nobody else. We have no idea when Ed will be back so you would be doing us a huge favor in talking to him instead. As Ed.”

“But I wouldn’t know what to say!”

“Don’t worry, I will be there with you all the time. Just be yourself.”

Albert didn’t want to be ungrateful. They had done so much for him already. So he reluctantly agreed.

“Okay. I guess I can give it a try.”

Kelly’s face lit up in a smile.

“Wonderful! I’ll go tell the others. Have a good night’s sleep and we will meet tomorrow morning.”

*****


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Washing day for Ed and a mission for Albert.

“Today is washing day!” Anna announced one morning. Ed was beyond himself with excitement. He sure could use a proper cleaning after two weeks of only sponge baths. He did the best he could but longed for a long soak in a hot tub of water.

But his face fell when he saw the washing trough Anna made him carry outside. This was way too small to sit in it. He realized what she really had meant with washing day. She wanted to do laundry.

Pot after pot of water was heated on the oven. Ed was walking a lot back and forward to tip it into the trough. It seemed it would never become filled.

But eventually it did and Anna set to work. Using a washboard and a bar of soap she scrubbed piece after piece. Then she passed it on to Ed who was hanging it onto a line. After a while he couldn’t bear it anymore though and swapped places with Anna. Scrubbing and cleaning his pants was hard physical work. Soon his arms were hurting, muscles burning with the unfamiliar activity. He got a lot more respect for women like Anna who did this regularly. They were a lot tougher than people gave them credit for. 

After Ed had finished the last piece he was so exhausted that he let himself simply fall to the ground.

He managed to land in a prickly bush with thorns. Huge thorns with hooks at the end which went right through his pants and were now stuck in his backside.

“Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!”

Anna came running over while he was writhing on the ground. She snorted then clamped her hands over her mouth. Ed could still hear her giggling behind them.

“Great, just great. I’m dying here while you have nothing better to do than laugh at me. That is really not helpful. At all.”

He tried to get up but with every movement the thorns made themselves known again. With a lot of wincing and Anna’s help he eventually made it upright. She’d finally stopped giggling after seeing how serious the situation was.

Well, not fully upright, he was bent over awkwardly. Slowly they shuffled their way into the house where Ed flopped down belly first on his bed. Anna carefully pulled down his pants. Ed hissed sharply. It really hurt a lot.

Anna drew the lamp closer so she was able to see, and then slowly and patiently started to remove thorn after thorn with a pair of tweezers. Ed had turned his face into the crook of his arm to hide it.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,” was all he was mumbling behind it. Oh, how much he wished to be in Doctor Finn’s hands right now with all her magic things. She would just move one of her tools over his backside and all the thorns would fly out at once. And the tissue repairer would make his ass as good as new within a few minutes.

Whereas Anna steadily and relentlessly pulled out Each. Single. One. With some that had broken off she couldn’t get a good grasp and had to dig really deep into his flesh. He wished for her to stop, take a break to give him a chance to catch his breath, but he didn’t say it. He clawed his teeth into his forearm and just endured.

After what felt like an eternity Anna was finally finished but Ed’s ordeal was not over yet. Because again she dosed the whole area thoroughly with alcohol to clean the many small wounds. Ed felt as if his backside exploded. He flinched so hard that he halfway shot up into the air.

“Gaaaah!”

He couldn’t help it. He had to let it out somehow. It wasn’t just about the pain. It was more than that. It was about everything. Him being stuck here, with no way to go home. Feeling helpless, useless, frustrated. Trying not to think too much about the future but failing miserably. A lot had built up in him. He hadn’t even realized until now.

It really felt good to let it all out in this single scream.

And then he felt even better when Anna brought some kind of ointment and administered it to his behind. With tender strokes she massaged it all in and Ed felt immediate relief. With a huge sigh he asked, “What is this?”

“Ssssh. It’s wool fat. It’s good for healing wounds. Try not to move too much.”

Ed just grunted. He suddenly felt very sleepy. After Anna had finished and pulled his pants back up, he fell into a deep slumber.

Some days later it all had healed up wonderfully and he finally got his wish for a thorough bath in a tub. It took even longer to fill that one up with hot water, but it was so worth it. Pure bliss.

Ed stayed in there for a long time.

*****

The day of the mission had arrived. Albert hadn’t slept much because he was nervous. All of his life he was used to being the one that screwed things up. That everyone else was so much better than him. That anyone would want to have him around, was still puzzling him.

Anna was the best thing that ever had happened to him. With her on his side he had gained some confidence. She wouldn’t allow him to look down on himself and constantly reminded him that he had defeated Clinch Leatherwood of all people. But without her around he was falling back into old habits. It was difficult to shake them off.

When it was time Kelly came to get him and led him to the far end of the ship. Gordon was waiting there as well. They stepped into a vessel that looked very futuristic. Albert looked to the front but he couldn’t see any horses. Come to think of it, he couldn’t see any wheels either. Slowly he followed the others. He was curious to see what would happen next.

Gordon and Kelly sat down at the front and motioned for him to take a seat as well. Then the doors closed and suddenly they lifted slightly into the air. In the next moment they dashed forward and Albert was pressed into his seat.

Holy cow! He started to feel a little nauseous. Kelly turned.

“Everything okay back there?”

Albert nodded as he was unable to speak. He clamped his teeth together and held on to the armrests for dear life. 

When nothing bad happened after a while he felt stupid and released his grasp. It didn’t take long for them to reach their destination and when they stepped out Albert was glad to be on firm ground again.

They were greeted by local people and the one in the middle was without doubt the leader Kelly had spoken about. He was dressed in similar clothes like Albert which gave him some confidence. Carefully he took his outstretched hand.

“Welcome to Ovis! We are very glad to finally meet you in person. Let me show you around!”

Gordon stayed with their transport vessel while Kelly and Albert followed the invitation.

The more Albert saw the more excited he got. This farm was huge! Hundreds of sheep, separated into smaller flocks. It all looked so neat and tidy. Organized. What a difference to back home. The fence system looked very sturdy. Bridget would never be able to run away again with this. After they finished the tour the leader whose name apparently was Woeijweglöönja or something like that, had a last surprise for Albert.

“Let’s first see what you can do. I want you to help with shearing. Then we can talk.”

Albert looked to Kelly who nodded encouragingly. Well then. He rolled up his sleeves further and together with some other farmers they went over to the group of sheep that had been selected. They started to drive them into the direction of a small enclosure. But before they were able to close the gate, one of the sheep turned on its heel and took off in a gallop. Albert didn’t hesitate for one second. He grabbed a rope, jumped on a nearby horse and took after it. While steering the horse bareback just with his thighs he looped one end of the rope and when he was at the right distance threw the lasso so that it caught around the right hind leg of the sheep. Then the loop closed and the sheep was trapped.

Albert turned the horse around and led the sheep back. Then he jumped down, grabbed the scissors and freed the sheep from its wool with swift motions. Finally he presented the naked sheep to Woeijweglöönja. The whole thing hadn’t taken more than a few minutes.

Kelly’s mouth was open. Albert shrugged.

“What? I learnt on a cow farm. But then I realized that I liked sheep better.” 

Woeijweglöönja simply nodded.

“Well done Captain Mercer! Now will you please also slaughter it?”

Albert paled. He knew of course that was the fate his sheep awaited when he sold one off. But he never would be able to do it himself. He also only ate beef for the very same reason. His sheep were like children to him, they all had names. And this sheep here reminded him particularly of Bridget.

“Sorry, can’t do that. You’ll have to ask someone else. But I certainly won’t be around to watch, if it’s all the same to you.” 

And he looked the leader right into the eyes. Next to him he could hear Kelly suck in a breath. He probably had blown the mission now. They would return empty handed. And it would all be his fault.

But Albert refused to back down. This was one thing he would not budge on. He kept staring the leader into the eyes. For a tense moment nobody said anything. Only the bleating of the sheep could be heard. 

Then the leader smiled. A big honest smile. He clapped Albert’s shoulder. Albert was very confused. 

“That is my man! I can’t ask something of you that I would not be able to do either. I simply love them too much. I can see now that you are an honest man. We can talk business now. I’m trusting you. Come with me!”

Relief flooded through Albert. Apparently he just had passed some kind of test. Kelly smiled at him. He suddenly felt bigger, prouder. As if he had grown some extra inches. So this was what standing up for yourself meant. Albert felt as if he was able to do anything now.

The talks were very fruitful. The Union people left with some samples of wool fat and other natural things. They hoped to set up a proper trade that benefitted both nations. They were so advanced with their futuristic technology but in Albert’s eyes had lost a little of the touch of nice simple and real things. So he was very glad that he was able to bring that back to them.

For him it was common knowledge that wool fat or lanolin was good to use for healing wounds, he also maintained his leather saddle with it to keep it from cracking. And Anna swore she never had had such smooth hands before she started regularly using the ointment.

When they finally left the sheep that Albert had shorn bleated a last good-bye.

*****


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ed needs to keep a cool head in the face of danger.

Anna was cooking dinner and had sent Ed to the garden to get some more vegetables. While he was out there he suddenly heard her scream. The vegetables fell from his hands. His first instinct was just to run into the house but he took a deep breath, pulled his gun out of the holster and quietly moved to the backdoor.

He managed to open the door without it creaking and made his way towards the kitchen. Peeking around the corner he saw one rugged looking man holding Anna in a fierce grip and threatening her with a weapon, while another was peeking into the pots and helping himself to a meal.

Anna tried to fight the grip but had no chance. Then she saw Ed and her eyes widened. She mouthed to him ‘No!’ but he ignored it. Rounding the corner fully he put his gun into their faces, trying to cover both at the same time.

“Now why don’t you let the lady go and take it up with a man instead?”

That earned him an evil laugh. It gave Ed goose bumps. His resolve did not waver though.

“Look who we have here! Albert-boy!”

Suddenly Ed felt a knife at his neck. A third man must have been hidden inside the house and had come up behind him. Rookie mistake. Damn. Ed hoped he lived long enough to regret it.

“Such a nice jugular,” the man said behind him. “Shame if something should happen to it.”

Ed had no choice but to give up his weapon. He did not doubt for one moment that the man would not hesitate to cut his throat here and now. Anna started to struggle anew.

“Lewis! You don’t have to do this! He has nothing to do with it. That’s not Albert, I swear!”

Another dirty laugh from the guy named Lewis who apparently was the boss.

“Yeah, he is just his twin brother. Do you think I’m stupid?”

The man behind Ed started to push on his shoulders.

“Kneel when the boss talks to you, bastard!”

Ed tried to resist but finally his knees buckled under the force and he fell down, hard. His wrists were grabbed and his hands bound behind him with a rope. He locked gazes with Anna. In what mess had they gotten themselves? And how did she know these men?

Then he thought back to when she had told her story. Before she knew Albert she had been married to Clinch Leatherwood, and these were apparently his men who had started a new gang with Lewis as the boss. They must have escaped custody somehow and now they were here for revenge.

Ed’s hands may be bound but he still had his mouth to fight. 

“Leave Anna out of this. She has done nothing to you. It’s me you want. Let her go.”

Even though Ed did not put up any resistance the guy behind him found it funny to nick his flesh with the knife. He felt blood trickling down and held perfectly still even though adrenaline was rushing through him.

“Enough!” Lewis snapped and Ed felt the knife lifted away. “Don’t forget, we have other plans with him.”

Ed tried not to flinch with those words. He didn’t want to give the guys the satisfaction. Lewis motioned to the guy without front teeth to stop eating and keep Anna at bay for him then he came over to where Ed was kneeling. He bent down to grab Ed’s chin in a vicious grip and lifted his head up to stare into his eyes.

“That’s right, Albert-boy, a fate worse than death awaits you.”

Ed’s mind was helpfully trying to come up with three different scenarios at the same time of a fate that would be worse than death, none of them were particularly pleasant. Sometimes he hated his overactive imagination. He continued to hold the gaze of the man’s cold eyes. For a minute nothing happened. Ed’s eyes started to water because he refused to blink first.

Then Lewis let go of his chin, turned around to Toothy and laughed. It was a mean laugh. If you had looked in the dictionary under “mean laugh”, this is what you would have got.

“And now he is crying, the pussy.”

Ed knew that it was said to rile him up, and that he should not let it get to him, but it was hard. Flashbacks of the boys at school saying similar things about him came up. Ed shook his head. This had been a long time ago and he needed to focus on the now.

Lewis wasn’t finished yet.

“I really wonder what you see in him, Anna. You could do so much better than that.”

“With someone like you, you mean? Fuck you!”

Despite his still aching jaw Ed had to smile. Anna was a very brave woman in trying to draw the attention back to her. Maybe she hoped that given their shared past they would shrink away from cold bloodedly killing her. Ed had no such illusions. He knew what guys like those were capable of. Give him a Krill to fight anytime instead. At least they had honor.

Possibly Anna also wanted to give Ed an opening, should he choose to do anything but he wisely stayed put. With three against one and him being bound it would have been madness. They still hadn’t told him what they planned to do. Better to have the full picture first.

The hard wooden planks of the ground were digging into his knees. Ed winced and tried to shift slightly to relieve the strain. It did not go unnoticed. The next moment Lewis was back in his face, his foul breath insulting Ed’s olfactory sense.

“So here’s what’s gonna happen. Are you paying attention? Say bye-bye to your wifey here, she’s going on a trip. But here’s the catch. Told you there would be a catch, didn’t I? I won’t tell you where I’m taking her. Have fun searching ‘cause you’ll never find her. I guarantee that you will never know what happened to her. She’ll vanish and it’ll drive you mad, as mad as Clinch was when he found out that his wife was cheating on him.”

With that Lewis pushed Anna forward. She struggled but had to finally relent.

“Don’t listen to him Ed! This is not your fight! Just put me out of your mind! I hope you’ll find a way to return home. Let Albert know I love him. Tell him…”

He couldn’t hear the rest as she already was out of the house.

The two other guys bound Ed’s ankles as well. 

“One last thing,” Toothy said casually and then gave him a hard right hook that sent Ed flying to the ground. He had seen it coming but with his hands bound behind his back there was nothing he could do to defend himself.

“That was for killing Clinch. Enjoy the rest of your day”, and then they followed their boss outside.

*****

Ed didn’t know how long it took for him to lose his bonds. It seemed like forever. He kept pulling at the rope at his wrists. It did give way a bit but still his hands were bloody and chafed when he finally was able to take it off. After that he made quick work to free his ankles. He also was glad to be able to stretch after sitting crouched for so long on the hard ground.

Everything in him screamed to run after Anna right away but he tried to keep a cool head and plan this properly. They had taken all the weapons in the house with them but he packed his saddle bags with whatever he thought he could need. He would be probably gone for a long time so he needed enough food, water, a knife, a blanket for the night. After checking the sky he realized it would soon be dusk so he also packed a carbide lamp and matches to light it.

Once he had done everything to his satisfaction he wrote a quick note explaining what had happened so Albert would be able to find it, should he ever come home. With one last look around the house Ed finally got onto his horse and followed the track the three men had left. Apparently one of them had Anna on his horse as there were only three traces.

They were heading north, to the mountains. They did not seem to be concerned much with covering their tracks. Maybe they expected Ed/Albert to stay bound much longer and by tomorrow the traces would be gone, with the grass straightening with morning dew. Or they did not think he was stupid enough to come after them by himself and would go into town for help first.

Either way, Ed was able to follow their path. They had had a head start but he hoped to be able to catch up with them. His horse flew over the grass. As expected dusk fell and then it got pitch black. Only the stars lit the way. Ed still pressed on. He figured he would try to reach the foot of the mountain and maybe rest in a cave there. Surely the others had to rest some time as well.

When he came nearer he saw a light in the distance. They were cocky enough to have a fire lit. They really did not seem to be the brightest bulbs in the lamp but Ed sure did not complain. He left the horse behind and started to creep up by foot. He circled the camp to come from the other side so the horses would not smell him.

He came as close as he dared without being spotted. He could see the three men sitting at the camp fire, eating and talking. He also could see Anna. She had been bound and was lying on the ground but she did not seem to be hurt. Yet.

Ed waited the whole night. He wanted to make sure that nothing happened to Anna. Who knew what these men were capable of. Surely they didn’t meet a beautiful woman very often. If anyone were to try anything with her, Ed was fully prepared to jump in there and defend her with his life. He knew he had no chance against three men but he would fight till his last breath to save Anna.

Gladly it did not come to that. At dawn when everyone was fast asleep Ed sneaked back to his horse and then waited for them to rise to carefully follow them.

*****

He didn’t have to ride far, as the gang soon stopped and then went inside the mountain. Ed couldn’t quite see what this was. A cave? When he came closer he realized that it was the entrance to an old mine. An abandoned one, apparently. He took his carbide lamp and followed carefully into the depths of the mountain.

The mine must have been not in use for a long time. The wooden pillars that were preventing the ceiling from crumbling down looked rotten and could give in any time. Ed carefully avoided brushing against them.

The ground was slippery and mossy. Somewhere he could hear water trickle down. His lamp didn’t provide much in the way of brightness. It felt like being buried alive.

Suddenly Ed heard voices from up ahead. He ducked into one of the side shafts. The gang was coming back – without Anna. A shiver ran down Ed’s back. The bastards left her somewhere in the darkness, alone, scared.

Ed waited a long time until he was sure they had reached the entrance. Just when he turned to go on he suddenly heard an explosion. He went back around the corner to where he had come from and found his way blocked. They must have used dynamite to seal the entrance.

Now he really was buried alive. But Ed pushed the thought from his mind and continued to walk. He had to find Anna, then they could think about a way out of here. One thing at a time. He wouldn’t leave here without her.

Ed noticed that his feet were sloshing through water. Where did it come from all of a sudden? The detonation must have ripped a hole in a wall that had water behind it. Now the mine shaft was flooding. Soon it reached Ed’s hips. It was very difficult to go on against the resistance of the water.

“Anna!” he yelled. “Anna!”

Finally he heard her voice from one side. He almost had walked past her. He turned a corner and there she was. She was up on a ledge but soon the water would reach that too. It was so high now that it covered Ed’s chest. Little more and he would need to swim. He held his lamp very high in the air so it would not get wet. There was no way he would be able to light it again if it went out. 

Anna was relieved to see him. She helped pull him out of the water. He was panting.

“Damn.”

“Double damn.”

They looked at each other.

“The way out is blocked, they blasted the entrance. And we could not go back through this water anyway. We need to see if we can find another way out.”

Back here the mine merged with a natural cave system. That was probably the reason why it had been abandoned. A cave system was much more difficult to keep safe. If you broke a hole into the wrong kind of structure it all might come crumbling down on you.

A natural cave system also hopefully had more than one entry so Ed and Anna continued to walk and climb in the dark. They lost any sense of time. This place was a labyrinth. More than once they came to dead ends and had to retrace their steps to try another path Sometimes it was so narrow that they had to crawl.

And then Ed’s lamp flickered and died. It had run out of carbide. They continued walking in pitch black darkness. They were holding hands to not lose each other, and if one stumbled the other could hold them upright so they wouldn’t fall. They had to slow down to not hit their heads in case there was low hanging structure.

Painstakingly slowly they made progress until finally they could see a faint light in the distance. With new enthusiasm they covered the last yards and finally, finally they were out. After having been in darkness for so long, the sun was hurting their eyes and it took a while for them to adjust.

*****

They had come out at the far end of the caves. Ed carefully led them to the place where his horse was waiting for him. It was peacefully grazing. Nothing seemed to be amiss but Ed knew not to trust the peace. Surely Lewis and his gang were nearby, waiting for him.

He helped Anna up the horse then sat behind her. With a quiet clicking of his tongue he set the horse into motion. Once they reached open ground he pushed it into a gallop.

“Ed! Look!”

Anna had turned to look for followers and sure enough spotted some. They were still a bit away but quickly catching up. Their horse could not go full speed with two riders on its back. It did the best it could but sooner or later they would be caught.

Ed’s mind was racing. Then he suddenly realized where they were. He knew this area. This was where Anna had made him demonstrate his shooting skills. How long ago had that been? Felt like eternity.

He looked back to gauge the distance. He knew something about this area that his followers clearly didn’t. They weren’t from around here.

“Anna!” he shouted. “I want you to hold on very tight!”

“I know what you plan to do! Just do it! Don’t mind me!”

Ed slowed down a bit to allow Lewis and his gang to come close. Then he took off at full speed again and they were right behind him.

What they didn’t know was that there was a crack in the ground right ahead. If you didn’t know you couldn’t see it. It was like the Earth had parted. In the very last moment Ed pulled on the reins and the horse did a sharp turn left, just a few feet away from the abyss. Lewis and his men did not have a chance to do the same. With loud screams they fell down the cliff.

Ed carefully looked over the edge. He couldn’t even see the bottom. Nobody could have survived that fall. He didn’t feel like risking his own life by climbing down and make sure. These men had gotten what they deserved. Shame about the horses though.

Anna apparently agreed with him because she whooped and put her fist into the air. Then she said, “Let’s go home.”

“Yeah, let’s go home.”

Funny. When had Ed started to see their house as home?

*****


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rescue can't come soon enough

They were sitting in front of the fireplace, still shaking both from the coldness in the mountain and the danger. Anna had made hot tea and put a huge dash of brandy into it which they were now sipping to get warm again. Ed had made sure there was enough wood ready to put into the fire.

The air in the cozy room seemed electrified somehow. Earlier, when Ed had changed out of his dirty and still damp clothes, he had noticed how Anna was looking at him. Something had changed. Her eyes were shining.

“Ed?”

“Hm?”

“I haven’t properly thanked you yet.”

“You don’t need to. Anyone would have done it.”

“But it was you who did it. Ed, you could have died in there.”

“You could have too! Where I’m coming from we are used to it. Trust me. Forget about it, it’s over. They will never come back to hurt you.”

Ed reached over to push a strand of hair out of her face. She took his hand and rubbed her cheek against it, and in the next moment he felt her lips on top of his.

Was it the brandy, was it the danger they had faced together, was it that Ed had been deprived of tenderness for so long, was it a combination of all of it – Ed found himself responding. Heat was crawling up in his body.

Anna pressed her body against his, clearly wanting more. That’s when the fog cleared. Gently he pushed her away.

“Anna, don’t.”

“Why not?”

“It’s not a good idea.”

“But why?”

“Because I don’t want you to regret it in the morning.”

“I won’t!” And she tried to kiss him again. This time he had to use more force to push her away.

“Anna! Do you think I don’t want to? Right now I’ll have to use all my willpower. Please don’t make this harder than it already is, okay?”

Ed recognized what was happening. She had been in danger and he had been the hero rescuing her. Anna was by no means a damsel in distress and could hold her own, as she had proven time and again. Still it must have scared her to be so out of her depth. She was trying to repay the favor somehow and to celebrate feeling alive. She probably didn’t even realize that that was what she was doing.

But Ed couldn’t take advantage of her vulnerable emotional state. He had to think of Albert and how it would destroy him. And Anna as well. No matter how attracted he’d become to her during the past months he simply couldn’t build his happiness on the tears of others.

*****

One day Gordon came to Albert’s room but this time he did not bring any movies.

“Albert, pack your stuff. You’re going home.”

“So you finally found a way?”

“Yes, Isaac and John have figured something out and we're confident that it will work.”

It did not take long for Albert to pack up his belongings. He didn’t have much. He had gained one new item though. A photograph of himself and his new friends. They all had dressed up in Western style clothes. And the best part – everyone was smiling in the picture. Albert couldn’t wait to show it to Anna.

He looked one last time around the room that had been his home for the past week. He would miss some of the things here but he was glad to see Anna again. Maybe he could find a way to install a water closet on his farm. That would be nice. He’d have to think about it.

Albert followed Gordon once more to the simulator room. When they stepped through the door all the others already were waiting for them. But the room still did not look like his home town. It was just an open space, grass and sky, with one of the transport vessels in the center. Everything looked so realistic!

John came forward.

“Here is what we are planning to do. Since we can’t change the room to the past we have to travel inside with a shuttle and then use a time machine.”

Apparently they needed to provide some kind of doorway for Ed to step through. A doorway that wasn’t even real. Albert’s head already hurt from the explanation and he didn’t ask further. As long as he was going back home and out of this mess, it was fine with him.

Everyone settled into their seats, and Gordon started the shuttle. This time Albert knew what was coming and it didn’t scare him as much. He was becoming quite the seasoned traveler!

Once they were in the air Isaac started to work on something he called “Aronov device”. A counter had been attached to it. Albert had been told previously that the year they lived in was the year 2419 and it was a number so far in the future that he was not able to grasp it. Now he could follow the numbers counting backwards until they finally reached 1883, his own year.

The shuttle was descending now. It was dark outside, but the moon provided enough light that Albert was able to recognize the area. There were the mountains with the old silver mine, in the other direction laid Old Stump, and right in front was his house.

His heart missed a beat when he saw the familiar structure.

John took him aside.

“Hey Albert, just wanted to tell you something. While for you only a week has passed here, I think down there it has been many weeks, maybe months even. Just so you know what to expect.”

It was a concept that he hardly could grasp. But he trusted John to tell him the truth. Albert had no reason not to believe him. But poor Anna, having to deal with all this on her own.

Not on her own, he reminded himself. Hopefully she and Ed had found each other so she was not alone in all this mess.

*****

As he had done so often before, Ed was sitting outside the house on a bench. Looking up into the sky, waiting for a sign of rescue, anything. But it never came. Had he done the right thing in rejecting Anna’s advances? She was a fine woman and she reminded him of Kelly so much. Tough and fierce, what a combination. Maybe it was indeed time for him to give up hope. Start a new life here with her. It had been three months. If rescue hadn’t come by now, it probably would never. How long was he supposed to wait? One year? Ten? Fifty?

In the morning he would talk to her and offer to go live in the town, in the sheriff home. To give them some space and figure this thing out. 

Then Ed spotted a falling star. But it did not burn out, instead it became bigger and bigger. Ed already was running towards the field.

“Anna!” he yelled. “Anna!”

Gordon landed the Union shuttle right before his feet. He never had been happier to see it. And it was packed. They all had come to bring him home. Even Isaac. And they all wore clothes in the style of the Wild West. Even Isaac. Now that was a sight you didn’t see very often.

Everyone was laughing and hugging, clapping each other’s backs. Ed was overwhelmed with joy to see his friends again. He had missed them. Once he had greeted everyone he went over to the man that clearly must be Albert. There was no mistaking this face. Albert already had his hand stretched out in greeting.

“So you are the captain of that ship. You have no idea how lucky you are.”

“And you are the sheep farmer. You are lucky to have Anna.”

They smiled at each other, happy that this whole ordeal now had come to a good end.

“He helped us sealing the deal with Woeijweglöönja,” Kelly said. 

“Really? That’s awesome. What did you do?”

“I sheared a sheep.”

“Well done. I couldn’t have done that. I can’t wait to read the mission report.”

Anna came out of the house. She’d already been in bed and had hastily put on some clothes. Ed waved her over.

“Anna, come here, meet my friends!”

But Anna only had eyes for Albert. She flew into his arms. He held her close and they shared a long hot kiss. The others looked tactfully away until they were finished. When they finally turned around, Kelly’s behavior changed all of a sudden. She was sharp and angry.

“Ed? What are you doing here with Pria?”

“Kelly, what are you talking about? This is Anna. I couldn’t have survived without her. Honestly.”

Ed turned to look at Anna. Really look at her. With a bang he realized that Kelly was right. How had he not seen it before? The different hairstyle had thrown him off, but this woman did look indeed like an exact copy of Pria Lavesque. Had Ed been played all time along? Was this one of her evil schemes?

Gordon looked back and forth between him and Albert.

“I don’t know, man. Anna looks like Pria, and Albert looks like you. Maybe they just had many children which brought their genes into our times.”

That was as good as an explanation as any. Even though this Western World was just a simulation, the people in it were based on real people that once had lived. It made sense.

Anna and Albert obviously had no idea what they were talking about. But then Albert picked up on the word ‘children’. He turned to Anna.

“Anna? Do you really want to bring children into this world?”

“Would that be so bad? You would have to build a cradle then though.”

“That’s nothing,” Ed said. “I built a whole bed!”

Everyone laughed. Then Ed saw that Albert truly was worried and he wanted to give him confidence.

“Albert, listen to me. It will be fine. The world has always been dangerous, and people always had children. Even when wars were going on. Love was stronger. Love prevails in the end. Don’t you see? We are only here because of people like you!”

Albert nodded, not entirely convinced, but holding Anna very close. Ed was sure they would have a wonderful life together. Kelly looked at the time.

“We should go now.”

Then she pretended not to see how tightly Ed hugged Anna. Over the past weeks she had become a very close friend. She always had the right words to lift him up when he was down. She really was an exceptional woman. Albert was very lucky to have her.

Ed never would be able to thank her enough.

*****

Finally they were gone after one last round of hugging and good-byes and promises to come visit. Finally Albert was alone with Anna. He hadn’t failed to notice how closely Ed had hugged her. Slight jealousy was creeping up in him.

“So,” he casually asked, “what were you and Ed up to while I was gone?”

“Funny that you should ask,” Anna replied while she started walking towards the house. “You were gone for months. He was itching for something to do so he became the new sheriff in town. People loved him and they will expect you to continue to do his work now.”

Oh crap.

“Oh, and wait till I tell you the story how he rescued me from the old mine. Clinch’s old gang was back and had kidnapped me.” 

Double crap.

“Yeah, fun times indeed!”

With that she went into the house. Albert ran after her.

“Anna? Anna? What happened? Are you okay? Oh my God, I’m so sorry. Anna!”

Right before he went through the door he heard bleating. One of the sheep must have woken up and greeted him drowsily.

It sounded like Bridget.

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it, we're done! I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing. Those who know me know that I usually do shorter character moments, very rarely multichapter plotty fics. But once I had the idea the rest was coming all rushing in.  
Many thanks again to meridian_rose who helped poking my muse when it seemed stuck and caught the few words and phrases when I said one thing but actually meant another. If only my English teacher could see me now!
> 
> If anyone thinks I missed out of a very important thing that either Ed in the Wild West or Albert on the Orville should have experienced, feel free to have a go yourself! Just make sure to let me know as I'd love to read it.
> 
> Thanks for reading and all the lovely comments! See ya!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Albert is working as a sheriff now, with someone special at his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I said chapter 9 was the end of my little crossover story, but then I got a lovely and funny comment from Leona_Esperanza that let my muse come up with this additional after-credits chapter!

Albert had no idea why he had agreed to this. While his self-confidence certainly had gotten a boost during his time on the _Orville_, agreeing to continue Ed’s role as sheriff in Old Stump had not been one of his wiser decisions. In dangerous times like this it was better to keep one’s head down. A man could get shot around here for just glancing the wrong way. With a mouth that so often ran away from him, he had to be careful not to stick out too much.

And there was nothing more sticking out than a sheriff star which was so shiny that it blinded you when the sun fell on it. Really, what had he been thinking? Albert shook his head, angry at himself. He should have come up with an excuse.

He had two deputies, so wasn’t entirely on his own, and found subtle ways to ask for their help so they would not wonder why he had lost his touch all of a sudden, but still. He was very glad that the first week in his new job had been uneventful but he couldn’t shake the feeling of apprehension. Something was in the air. Something was coming. And he didn’t like that when it did he would be right at the center of it.

What he liked though was how the people of this town had started to treat him differently. Most of them hadn’t actually been mean to him before but clearly he had been the odd guy out. When people showed up to a shoot-out actually expecting you to get shot, it made you think.

Now he saw honest admiration in the eyes of the men and women he talked to. They were not trying to get rid of him as soon as possible with transparent excuses and, the biggest change, they didn’t anymore laugh _at_ him but _with_ him. Albert liked making people laugh. That was something he was good at.

Everything that had happened last year with Louise and Foy seemed so long ago. They had left the town soon after and Albert for sure was not missing them.

Edward and Ruth, who were the only ones outside Anna in the know, were beyond themselves to have him back, and he made some great new friends in the barber, the owner of the general store and the guy who had the most dangerous job in town - even more dangerous than sheriff - the owner of the bank.

But the soul that was most happy to have him back was Bridget. She tried to go wherever he went and as much as he sent her back or put her into the barn when he had to go to town, somehow she always found a way to follow him. He couldn’t really put it past her; he had been missing her as well in his time away. He had asked Anna whether Ed had developed any special bond with the sheep but she said he hadn’t. Not everyone was a sheep person. And clearly Bridget had sensed the difference.

Albert was standing outside the sheriff’s office, talking to one of the deputies about the tasks of the day, when a man came running down the street in a big cloud of dust. He reached them but at first was too much out of breath to form complete sentences.

“The bank… there’s a guy… a guy with a gun… he says he wants all the money…”

He bent over, hands on his knees, wheezing, then straightened again.

Albert and Jim, the deputy, already were running. Albert yelled warnings at the people he passed on the street. 

“Go inside, everyone! Everyone inside! Get the children off the street! Go!” all while not even slowing down. This was it. The thing he had been apprehensive of had arrived. And while his mind certainly would have liked him running in the other direction, his feet strangely took him towards the bank office instead. He told himself he would have a look at least. A look from the outside shouldn’t be too dangerous.

When they arrived the door could not be opened. It had been barricaded from the inside. Carefully Albert looked through the window. He motioned to Jim to have a look himself.

“Looks like it’s just this one guy. Surely we can take him?” Jim said.

“But the door is locked, and he has the clerk as hostage. He’ll shoot him if we just barge in.”

“So we just stand here and do nothing?”

Albert could feel that this was not sitting well with Jim but he saw no other option at the moment. Not until the man came out. He sent Jim to the other side of the building to cover the back door, should the unknown man try to escape though that, then found a place for himself from where he could see everything that was going on, but was not in immediate danger of any stray bullets.

The street was eerily quiet. The people had done what they were told and watched from inside their homes. 

Albert's patience was tested to the limit. His nerves were stretched to breaking point. Approximately half an hour had passed when there was finally movement. The door to the bank opened slowly, very slowly. Albert had his weapon ready but it was only the clerk, with arms raised as high as he could and shaking like a leaf.

Directly behind him was the unknown guy, so close that you could only make out his black hat. There was no point in shooting him so Albert gave up his hidden position and stepped out into the open, making a show of putting his weapon away and raising his hands.

“Hey, you, Mr. Blackhat! We don’t want folks like you around here. So why don’t you take the money and leave? Preferably without shooting Mr. Bangles.”

Inwardly Albert cringed. As lines went, this certainly wasn’t his best one. But it served its purpose. He had the full attention of the guy. 

“Don’t you know who I am? I’m Lonny Longboone!”

Longboone was looking into his direction but not wavering with the gun pressed into poor Mr. Bangles’ back. Albert nodded to him in what he hoped was an encouraging way. That he was still alive told him something. If Longboone had just wanted to kill him, he could have done so much earlier. 

Seemed he really was only in it for the money. Albert just needed to distract him long enough for an opportunity to arise.

He shrugged.

“Sorry, doesn’t ring a bell!”

From the left side he could see Jim creeping up on the strange couple, his revolver ready but not daring to shoot either.

Then everything happened all at once.

Longboone, finally realizing the new threat, swirled around to put Mr. Bangles as a shield between him and the deputy. He stepped aside in the very moment Bridget chose to run past him, straight towards Albert whom she had finally spotted. The guy tripped over this unexpected hurdle, let go of Mr. Bangles who quickly crawled away, and fell down hard on the ground. A shot from his weapon went off but thankfully he only hit empty air while lying on his back.

Sensing their chance both Jim and Albert jumped at him before he could reload his weapon and had him secured and bound within seconds.

Panting they stood up and looked at each other, then Albert’s searching eyes found Bridget. She stood in the middle of the street as if nothing had happened, and gave a loud “Baaa!”

Suddenly the street was filled again with all the people coming out of their homes, cheering and clapping and forming a circle around Albert and Bridget while Jim was hauling Longboone off to the prison cell. They would decide later what to do with him. He had taken the bag of money and Mr. Bangles with him as well, so it could be properly counted and to determine whether anything was amiss.

Which left only Albert and Bridget at the scene. Bending down and petting Bridget’s ears he let the people’s shouts wash over him, still stunned by what just had happened and how easily they had gotten out of the situation.

“Hey, sheriff, that’s a mighty fine sheep you have there!”

“Yeah, she is really a handful!”

“Did you see how she bumped him in the rear?”

“Imagine if it had been his front!”

Laughter erupted at that. Then one voice could be heard loud and clear.

“Hey, sheriff, I think you should make the sheep your new deputy!”

Even more laughter at that. Albert’s mind flashed a picture of Bridget with a hat and sheriff star. She’d never looked better. He shook the image off and tried to find a way out of the circle. Time to go home. Willingly the crowd parted before him and soon they were on their way. But what the guy had said stuck in Albert’s mind. Was it possible to train Bridget? Albert certainly planned to try it out the next day. Others might have a dog, he would have a sheep. That could come in handy some time. And it would mean he no longer had to try and send her away if she wanted to be at his side constantly.

*****

Soon word got out about the funny sheriff and his weird sheep, or was it the weird sheriff with the funny sheep? Albert never could remember which it was but he found himself to be some kind of celebrity all of a sudden. He and Bridget had been lucky a few more times with arresting bad guys and soon whoever was in their right mind would give Old Stump a wide berth if they had not so pure intentions. Instead more and more people from other towns came and demanded to see what they were able to do.

The owner of the saloon made the business of his life both with selling alcohol and the girls upstairs. The general store had to order more goods as they were sold out so quickly. The barber had to take up two apprentices as he couldn’t do all the work by himself anymore, and the whole town prospered.

At the next town hall meeting it was decided that they would hold a proper rodeo but not with the usual bull riding or calf roping but with Albert showing off his and Bridget’s skills. 

At the day of the event Albert again wondered how he had ended up in this situation. Looking at the crowd in front of him he had to swallow away the lump in his throat. He thought back to the morning when he’d told Anna what he planned to do with the money. For a moment she’d stopped her own preparations and gave him an encouraging hug and kiss.

“I think that is a wonderful idea and will benefit everyone. If anyone can pull this off, then you!”

Albert smiled with the memory, lost in thought for a few seconds. 

But first he had to deliver a good show. He took a deep breath. He wasn’t alone in this. He knelt down and hugged Bridget, and it calmed him. Then they stepped out into the arena to a huge cheer. There must be several hundred people here. Albert had no idea where they all had come from.

He went to the center of the stage and grabbed the megaphone that was waiting for him there.

“Um, hi!” There was an echo so he had to wait a few seconds before he could continue.

“Hi, I’m Sheriff Stark and this is Bridget. She has been most helpful with catching bad guys. So if you plan to rob our bank today, think twice about it!”

That earned him some laughter. 

“We’re going to demonstrate the butt kick now. Deputy Jim has helpfully agreed to play the bad guy. Unless one of you wants to try?”

More laughter. Albert started to enjoy himself.

Jim came over. He had dressed in all black clothes to clearly distinguish himself as a bad guy. He held a big bag with a money symbol on it. It seemed very heavy. 

“Bridget, go!”

And Bridget ran after him, bumping her head into his backside with so much force that Jim fell down and lost the bag. Bridget then stepped over him with two of her feet of either side of him which made it impossible for Jim to get up. Albert casually strolled over and helped him up. Bridget only moved away when he told her so.

The crowd was cheering loudly. Albert and Jim were bowing, Bridget was baaing. They showed a few more tricks then it was time to call it a day. Once more Albert picked up the megaphone.

“That’s it folks, we’re done here, but enjoy the rest of the day. I hear they sell great food over there. Look for Anna, I have it on good authority that she does the best potato chips in the whole Wild West! Have a nice trip home, everybody!”

*****

Apparently the rodeo was a huge success. It had brought in a lot of money and even after looking at the costs a lot was left over. Albert was present at the town hall meeting where it was discussed what to do with the money. After everyone had a say he stepped up and offered his opinion.

“I think what this town needs most is a proper sewage plant, pipes to all houses and water closets instead of outhouses. I’m sure you have heard about them existing in the cities at the East coast – let’s make Old Stump the first town in the Wild West to have them as well. We need to invest in the future!”

Everyone cheered at that. Then the barber spoke up.

“I think it’s time for us to find a new sheriff.”

Everyone spoke at once at that. 

“But why? Albert is doing a great job!”

“Let me explain. I think Albert might be better as the new mayor. He has proven that he can make speeches. It will be easy to find another sheriff, but if we plan to properly consider his idea then we need someone who can convince the people.”

Ever since their old mayor had been killed last year nobody had wanted the job. Nobody had missed a mayor either; he was not needed for the town’s day-to-day business. But with such a huge task ahead, someone should properly fill the role.

Albert was fine with that. It suited him much better. Fewer chances of getting shot at. It would be a lot of hard work but he felt up for it. They needed to do proper research and do the math, and he would probably have to hold a few more shows to collect more money. He also agreed to go door-to-door to convince people to put up some money to take part in this because the more people donated, the cheaper it would get for everyone. 

He’d also look for people willing to lend their brawn, if they could dig their own trenches for the pipes it would keep the costs down as well.

Albert could not tell them that he had personal experience with using a water closet but he would still be able to paint it all in vivid colors for their imagination. He’d start with the snakes and scorpions that would not be a problem anymore and then move on to the awful smell and general health issues. Some people had their water pump not far from where the outhouse stood. They didn’t know any better.

If he would be able to pull that off, something very good would have come out of his time on the _Orville_. 

He could not wait to start. 

With Bridget at his side.

The End (?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to see more of Albert and his deputy, please have also a look at meridian_rose's little fic "Sheriff's best friend": 
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/21502543

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Bridget: Sheriff's Best Friend](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21502543) by [meridian_rose (meridianrose)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/meridianrose/pseuds/meridian_rose)


End file.
